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I’m the Asshole?

Interesting trip to the ATM this morning… I went to get some cash so I could pay my rent (and help my landlord commit tax evasion).  Inserted card, entered pin, went through the process like normal but instead of money, the ATM only dispensed sloppily written notes and muffled shouting.  I made three more attempts to withdraw cash, even trying two different cards, and nothing.

I was about to go to another ATM, but I stopped to think for a second, and being pretty quick on my feet, I realized that the ATM might not be broken or possessed.  There might be someone inside it trying to communicate with the outside world.  I thought banks were going more towards automation and less having to deal with human interaction but maybe they’re exploring alternatives.  What do I know?  Either way, I knew I had to do something.


By the time I’d gone repeated the swipe, pin, select process three times, there were 3 or 4 people in line behind me.  I told them what I thought was going on, showed them the note, and let me tell you – people are absolutely useless.  One guy was just freaking out yelling with his ear up to the wall like he was trying to crack a safe.  The two women that were waiting behind him both immediately picked up their phones.  Typical, we’ve got a crisis on our hands, my landlord’s not going to pay himself, and these two broads decide it’s more important to call someone for a chat or tweet about it as opposed to actually doing something.  The note said he didn’t have his phone.  He gave us his boss’s number but I ain’t no snitch so I wasn’t about to call up a stranger’s boss and tell him this guy wasn’t doing a good job at ATM’ing.

Fortunately, as I mentioned before, I’m pretty quick on my feet.  In addition, I am cool under pressure, so I knew just what to do.  I jumped into action with a pen and an old receipt and slipped a note (pictured below) back into the slot.


Next thing I know everybody starts yelling at me, calling me an asshole and asking me what’s wrong with me.  What’s wrong with me?  I’m the asshole?  While they’re the ones standing around on their phones doing nothing.  Sorry my instincts are to solve problems, not sit around and talk about it.  I got sick of listening to them so I asked if they had any better ideas and stepped aside.  They start scrambling to write notes too and slipping them in.  Low and behold, not one of them got any cash out either.

A few minutes later, a guy shows up with a crowbar and this fucker was the worst of them, just a complete jackass.  I tried several times to explain to him that we didn’t need a crowbar to break into the ATM because there was someone inside.  Plus I watch Breaking Bad, you start pulling ATM’s out of the wall and people’s heads get crushed.  It was like talking to a brick wall though.  The guy literally shoved me out of the way and threatened to hit me with the crowbar.  Usually I’d throw down but this guy just didn’t seem worth it and I learned a while back that violence is not the answer if there is a security camera pointing directly at you.

I’d finally had enough and decided it wasn’t worth it to keep dealing with these idiots.  Got back in my car and went to another ATM down the street.  Saw on the news that the customers “Got more than cash” so I kinda wish I’d stuck around.  I still don’t know if any of them actually got cash.  Does “more than cash” mean cash + additional things or is it trying to say that they got something greater than cash?  Either way, can’t pay bills with good vibes or souvenirs and I didn’t have all day.  Definitely just going to go to an actual bank next time.


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