If you’ve started a Facebook post, Tweet, or even a sentence with “Usually I don’t post about politics…” or some similar version of the phrase, I just want you to know that you’re the worst.
The only time it’s appropriate to start a sentence with “Usually I don’t do ______” is if you’re finishing it with “but uh, go head’ on and break ’em off wit a lil’ preview of the remix”. The Most Interesting Man in the World gets a pass on usage of a similar phrase since he’s harmlessly peddling mediocre* Mexican beer, not coming anywhere close to politics.
*If anyone from Dos Equis is reading this, please know that the description of your beer above is completely open for bidding and can easily be changed to something much more flattering, for a nominal fee. By the same token, if anyone from Corona sees this, I’d just as soon go the opposite direction if you come at with a higher number than XX offers.
NOTE: For simplicity’s sake, I will be abbreviating “I Don’t Usually Post About Politics” with ‘IDUPAP’ and will refer to those who start thoughts/posts with those words as ‘IDUPAPers’ from here on out.
I’ve come across numerous useless offshoots and variations of IDUPAP but there are 4 primary designations that cover most if not all. With a little help from the snipping tool and some folks playing fast and loose with Facebook’s privacy settings, the following demonstrates and dissects examples. Consider this a 1,000 word IDUPAP crash course that will leave you fully equipped to recognize, judge, and properly discredit these posts as they flash across your timeline.
1. I am OUTRAGED. I have zero intention of getting off my ass (unless it’s to grab a fresh Mountain Dew), but I need people to know how I feel.
I’m sure the tweet or bit of locker room talk that the Donald unleashed to illicit this response was just unimaginably horrible. Unfortunately for him, he just awoke a sleeping giant (probably closer to a napping Furby if you ask anyone but the post’s author).
I either blacked out or fell asleep midway through the 1st line but here’s the gist of what I gathered: “I am angry. I am by no means going to actually do anything about it, but still. I need everyone to know where I stand (or sit, at a keyboard). And I prefaced my stance with IDUPAP so people take me super seriously. Also, I love the sound of my own voice, especially the sound my poignant words make as they echo down to the valley that’s far below the moral high ground where I’ve firmly planted myself. You know what would really top it off though? A couple super blow hardy rhetorical questions.”
Great work, hero. Problem solved. Immigrants and women can rest easy thanks to your courageous words. And as long as your children read your post, they’ll be okay too*. Children after all, are our future. Wrong bitch. Robots are the future. Watch a Will Smith or Shia Lebeouf movie. Then, kindly return to the simpler time before you decided to break your political commentary seal. Even then, you were probably overachieving and outkicking your IQ with re-posted of 30 second recipe videos and “Share if You Hate Cancer”.
*Also have your kids read the end of that sentence. Doesn’t look like there’s much hope of them learning proper usage of too vs. to from you.
2. I have no goddamn clue what I am talking about but somehow, I think admitting that upfront gives me some credibility.
You know what, clueless IDUPAPer? You’re not wrong. In fact I tip my cap to you and your self-awareness. You’re not quite sharp enough to Wikipedia answers to your questions then form thoughts, but you’re smart enough to realize that you’re utterly clueless and you effing own it, unlike your counterpart mentioned above.
That said, you’re still saying/contributing basically nothing. At best, you’re the lesser of two evils so let’s not congratulate ourselves too much. If you were a Contractor quoting a remod you’d be asking WTF “load bearing” means or talking about how you don’t like those nail shooter gun things because they’re loud and hurt your ears. You’re basically a zero, but as long as no one ever trusts you to add on a sun room or redo their kitchen, you’re not really hurting anyone.
3. I’m using the IDUPAP preface to distract you from the fact that whatever I’m saying mostly, if not complete bullshit.
If we brought Hitler back to life and had the Fuhrer mate with Captain Pollution (Captain Planet’s nemesis) then placed their offspring at the head of a Totalitarian regime controlling the entire world, I wouldn’t go vegan.
Given how little I know about green house gas emission stats and how much the protein-deprived young lady on the right seems to know about subjects from livestock and their byproducts to various forms of transportation, I was hesitant to even question the stats sharpied onto her poster board. But Livestock and byproducts accounting for 51% would mean cows, chickens, etc. create more carbon and methane than every non-electric automobile on the planet, every industrial plant, all oil, natural gas, or coal powered machine, every vape pen wielding douche bag, and all the trash burned in India, China, and Arkansas COMBINED.
After seconds of research and fact checking (I Googled green house gas emissions and clicked on the first link), I got to the bottom of it. According to the EPA and Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change, Agriculture, Forestry, and other Land Use account for 24% of green house gas emissions. BUT this estimate does not include ecosystems sequestering carbon in biomass, dead organic matter, and soils, which offset approximately 20% of emissions from this sector (that’s 19.2% for anyone whose a little too busy crunching carrots to crunch the numbers). Yes, we need to be better with sustainable energy and reducing emissions, but that doesn’t have to mean celebrating Thanksgiving with a tofurkey. And now that we’ve established you as an unreliable source of information, don’t expect anyone to listen on the off chance that you have something important and factually accurate to share in the future.
4. IDUPAP. Anything you say or any evidence you produce to refute this is fake news and you’re a goddamn liar.
You don’t even have to scroll to see this gem of a human contradict himself. If you’re shaking your head in disgust, just remember that his vote counts for exactly as much as yours. Bonus points for sprinkling in a little locker room talk.
In this guy’s defense, the post right before this one was wishing everyone a Happy Cinco de Mayo.*
*Hey Dos Equis and/or Corona folks – if you’re still reading, you probably couldn’t help but notice that last sentence and how smoothly it could segway into a little subtle product placement and move a couple more units for you.