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Roger Goodell to Donald Trump: An Open Letter

NFL Letterhead

Mr. President,

Look, I voted for you and I’m a HUGE fan. I know you’re the President and more importantly, you’re a rich white guy, so I have tremendous respect for you. But I respect the 32 rich white guys (31 and one Middle-Eastern guy actually) and all the money they give me so I can’t just sit here with my arms folded while you hurl insults at the NFL.

Hey unless you wanted to hire me?

You’ll probably have another opening soon and I have great experience standing at a podium defending horrible decisions. Tweet something that was supposed to be a DM, let a racial slur slip, need to make something up about Hilary, I’m your guy. I’ll say literally anything as long as I’m getting paid in the neighborhood of $50 million a year. Hell, I’ll do just about anything too. Jerry Jones has this little truck stop outside of Dallas and in the men’s bathroom… yea you get the point.

For now though, the owners are making me tell you that you better stop tweeting about the league. I don’t think it’s that big of a deal personally. In fact, this and just about everything you’ve said and done in the White House has actually really taken quite a bit of heat off me. I have to say that I truly do appreciate your work.  I’ve been the most intellectually challenged, morally bankrupt leader this side of North Korea for the last decade but you’ve taken that baton from me and you’re putting quite a bit of distance between yourself and the field. When Obama was around, people HATED me.

Before you came along it was like every one of my neighbors was complaining constantly about my overgrown hedges and “tacky” Christmas decorations. Then you move in down the street, make a habit of dumping your trash out in the street and setting it on fire and hit a couple neighborhood kids with your car. I just get to skate by and the Goodell family’s giant inflatable snowman with the carrot for a dick instead of nose hasn’t been at the top of anyone’s mind. It’s hilarious anyway, if you appreciate highbrow comedy.

I’m like crabs to America. No one likes me and they wish I’d go away, but when full blown AIDS sits in the oval office, I’m not really the center of attention.

We can’t fire you from being President or anything (right?). That’d be cool to say “You’re Fired” to you like you do on the Apprentice though. But if you tweet or say anything bad about the NFL we’re going to have to enact some sanctions:

  1. Brady and Kraft won’t be allowed to be friends with you
  2. You won’t get to come to the Super Bowl
  3. We’re disconnecting NFL Red Zone at the White House
  4. Al Michaels might mention something you’ve said or done recently and compare it to Harvey Weinstein

Look, I’m just the messenger but I have to listen to them. Plus I don’t want you to miss the Super Bowl. I’m not supposed to say anything yet but the Super Bowl halftime show is supposed to be Taylor Swift. NEW TAYLOR!!! Old Taylor can’t come to the phone because she’s dead. But now New Taylor’s here and she’s an even more powerful and independent woman, free of whatever boxes and labels society had kept the Old Taylor in. Or something like that. I don’t know, I’m not like a huge fan. I just like a couple songs.

I know this kinda sucks but at least we’re cool with everything else you do. Talk about the wall, tell everyone how you’re the reason stocks are so high, throw all the paper towels you want at Puerto Ricans. We’re also huge fans of your locker room talk. That grab her by the pussy line was classic. Just don’t talk about the NFL especially all the kneeling and Colin Kaepernick stuff. God what a mess that would be if he was actually decent. Thankfully he sucks so bad that no one really needs him. We’re hoping the kneeling stuff will all go away but it won’t if people keep talking about it, especially the President.

I may be talking to the media and may not say super flattering things about you. That’s why I’m writing you this open letter – just open to you and me – so you have a heads up, don’t take it personally, and know to just lay low. At least until after the Super Bowl. I’ll save you a seat and I might be able to get us field passes for T. Swift.


Roger Goodell, NFL Commissioner


PS – Tell Ivanka Roger said sup



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