This is a new and running list that I will update periodically as additional ingenious ideas enter my brain.
IDUPAPer (n) – IDUPAP is an Acronym for “I Don’t Usually Post About Politics” and an IDUPAPer is someone who begins a social media post with that phrase and then proceeds to post about politics. Their thoughts are typically repetitive, unoriginal, ill-informed, or something so obvious that its barely worth a thought, much less speaking aloud or posting on the internet where it will remain for eternity.
*Note if you ‘like’ or post any kind of encouraging comments on any of these people’s posts, you also have blood on your hands. Unless you ignore, unfollow, or leave an incendiary comment, you’re part of the problem. Edmund Burke, the father of modern conservatism (thanks Poli Sci degree!) said something along the lines of “evil triumphs when good men do nothing” a couple hundred years ago. Clicking ‘like’ is a worse version of doing nothing. B T Dubs, If Eddie B. had uttered that quote today Huffington Post would have 17 different columns and Op-Eds crucifying him and calling him a misogynist for excluding women. And another 11 pieces condemning him for excluding the cisgender and transsexual community. Kinda makes me miss 16th Great Britain. Someone would have taken care of the folks at HuffPo with a Gentleman’s Duel by the time they’d set the letters in their printing presses.
Jimmy Rebuttal (n) – a response that in some form, states “I do not subscribe to that logic” when faced with indisputable facts while engaged in an argument. Use of the Jimmy Rebuttal ends the argument in a stalemate rather than its user being forced to admit defeat.
Mayweather Exception (n) – a loophole that protects select individuals from the typical criticism and judgement that would be cast upon almost any other person had they said or done the exact same thing. The Mayweather Exception is granted to only a select few and requires a substantial and illustrious resume of actions, behaviors, and statements that are so asinine and outside reality that whatever they did this time will likely not crack their top 1,000 and any and all criticism will fall completely on deaf ears.
Recipients of the Mayweather Exception include: Floyd Mayweather (Jr. and Sr.), 45th Presidents of the United States, Gary Busey, Charlie Sheen, and Russians
Borderline/Possible Future Inductees include: Most of the cast members from Jersey Shore, Draymond Green, Kim Jung Un, Jim Carey, Steve-O, and Eminem
New Taylor (n) – Refers to Taylor Swift from August, 2017 to Present. New Taylor was introduced in 2017 in the form of an auditory abortion titled “Look What You Made Me Do”.
Old Taylor (n) – Refers to Taylor Swift from 1988 to 2017. According to New Taylor (2017-Present) Old Taylor cannot come to the phone because she’s dead. I’m calling bullshit though. I think the whole thing is a hoax and there’s only one Taylor. It’s kind of a moot point since all versions of her suck and need to go away.
Beliefs & Ideas
Sport vs. Not a Sport
The debate over what defines a sport and what is or isn’t a sport is maybe the oldest one in all of sports. Nerds on Reddit, Bleacher Report, SB Nation, etc. have been going back and forth listing multiple requirements and criteria to define and support their reasoning for why Bowling, Golf, Ping Pong, Chess, etc. are or are not sports since the dawn of the internet.
They’ve all wasted their time and the time of all their readers. The answer is simple:
Competitive endeavor that CANNOT be played while drinking a beer = Sport
Competitive endeavor that CAN be played while drinking a beer = Not a Sport
Drinking between shots, at bats, turns, plays, during timeouts, etc. does not count. To be ruled Not a Sport you must be able to consume an alcoholic beverage while simultaneously fully participating in the act of playing the game or competing and must be able to maintain consumption of alcohol throughout the competition.
Sports Include: Bowling, Golf, Swimming, Track & Field, Ping Pong, Archery, Downhill & Cross Country Skiing, Horse Racing, Diving, Judo, Gymnastics, Synchronized Swimming, Polo (both water and millionaires on horseback), Badminton, Cycling, NASCAR, Formula One Racing, and others
Not Sports Include: Chess, E-Sports, Funny Car Racing, the Fucking Spelling Bee, Poker, Fishing, Cornhole, Bocce, Tether Ball, Competitive Eating, Dizzy Bat, and others
*The Four Man Bobsled Is a Sport for the two team members at the front and back of the bobsled since the front man is the driver and the guy in the back controls the brakes. It is Not a Sport for the two guys in the middle who run 20 yards then spend the remaining 95% of the event essentially trying to blow themselves so their heads don’t stick out and make the sled less aerodynamic for the two guys that are actually doing something. They could be drinking, playing Angry Birds, swiping through Tinder to check out the talent in the Olympic Village, shooting heroin, or napping if the guy at the back would ever stop yelling shit in Norwegian.
*Note: if you were thinking anything along the lines of “Well you could technically drink while playing basketball when the other team is bringing the ball up the court” or “You could drink in a 25 mile bike race” or “Any sport counts as one you can drink while playing if you get one of those beer helmets” or similar, do us all a big favor and go ahead and kill yourself before any more time or resources are wasted on you.